God Damn It - A Short Story

"DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish!" (daft-ryosuke) 01/08/2019 at 00:52 • Filed to: None

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I feel like I’ve reached the lowest of lows of my search for my next car. What started out as a reasonable search with a list of rather reliable cars has spiraled out of control and landed me face to face with a car that is, to me, the equal of that girl in high school you always wanted, but thought you never had a chance.

The E39 M5.

Granted, I listed the E39 5 Series on my original list I posted here on Oppo, but those were non-M cars. Now, I’m sitting here at 11:15 PM looking at buyers’ guides, reviews, and forum posts learning what I need to know in order to make this decision. How did I even get here?

How did I even get here...?

Well, it all started when we got that CTS-V in last week.

I’m not going to go into too much detail here, but the first gen CTS-V has been an affordable dream car ever since I totaled my 2003 non-V CTS. It always felt like the logical next step. But, after finding out that this CTS-V in particular was a massive headache waiting to happen, I backed out, thinking that I was just going to bide my time and wait.

While telling my friends about the failure of that CTS-V, one of them dropped the question.

“Why don’t you get an E46?”

I looked at that message on my phone with the most serious look of contempt, confusion, and curiosity. My response was a rather reasonable “Too much to take care of financially.” But then my brain got to thinking about the possibilities of owning E46s and whether or not it’d be plausible. Then a very dim lightbulb went off in my head and I typed my next message.

“If I’m getting an E46, it’d be an M3 before they become completely unobtainable.”

Ahhh, the E46 M3. BMW’s The Wall . I think everyone who’s ever had a drop of enthusiast blood has had a hard-on once in their lifetime for this car. You may have learned about it in magazines or a kid, or drove it for the first time on Need for Speed: Most Wanted during a pizza and Mountain Dew-filled binge on a weekend when you were eleven. I think we all have that moment we first recognized the E46 M3 as the magnificent machine it truly was.

For reference, mine was the reveal of the Competition Package in Motor Trend, displayed in a gorgeous medium blue color.

Nevertheless, instead of the chastising I expected my friends to give me, I instead got a bunch of cheering on. A lot of “Yeah you should go for it”s and “I don’t see why not”s. So I started looking, found a few, cursed when SMGs were listed as “6-speed manuals,” and posted a few prospective buys. Then I decided to post it publicly.

That was a mistake. Or, maybe it really wasn’t.

Another good friend of mine that isn’t involved in these group chats saw my post and immediately made it his prerogative to DM me immediately, practically throwing up “STOP” on a big neon sign. He immediately told me how troublesome an E46 can be, ranging from the obvious VANOS issues to how expensive and difficult some of the underpinnings can be to maintain. I heeded his warnings and the search was over. The last thing he told me was that if I really wanted an M3, that I should go for an E36.

I gagged.

I don’t like the E36. I don’t like it at all.

I think the styling is hideous. The interior is rattly and ugly. I don’t like how BMW neutered it for the American market. Basically, this car, to me, is the biggest total runt of the M car saga, and yet, his recommendation managed to stick in my mind for the strangest reason. The E36 is easier to maintain than a lot of newer BMWs, it is a lot more reliable, and they’re super easy to find. There’s just the nagging feeling that I’m settling for less if I buy it.

But, out of curiosity, I put the word out for people to tell me what they know of the E36. Nothing too harsh, nothing too unmanageable. But then, as is the trend with this story, a member of our group said this to me.

“Look, for the price of the best E36 you can find, you could get a decently maintained E39 M5 and end up with a much, much better car.”

I want to hurt that man for being so right, and for putting more bad ideas in my head.

So, I’ve been reading buyers guides, including one made by internet fan favorite Tavarish, I’ve been looking at forum posts, and I’ve been watching videos by the great guys over at E39Source, and I’m finding myself realizing that maybe the E39 M5 isn’t that hard to take care of after all. Yes, it will be expensive, and yes, certain things will be difficult to take care of, but it’s honestly no different than the Subaru I currently own or the Cadillac before it. And to top it all off, it’s one of my dream cars.

I’m probably insane.

I’m definitely insane. I have seven million psynapses cracking right now telling me no. But my heart is saying yes, and my mouth is saying, “God damn it.”

Besides, I always preferred Dark Side of the Moon  anyway.

The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 00:54

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Or be like me. Look at everything that could possibly bankrupt you, then settle on a Honda Fit. 

DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! > The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock 01/08/2019 at 00:57

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Compared to the AMGs, Jaguars, and 2012+ Chargers I’ve also been looking at , the E39 really looks like a Honda Fit right now .

Textured Soy Protein > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 00:57

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Let me just plant a little idea in your head...

JoshROOSTER > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 01:07

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Gti is the answer! And you’ll never be lost for FAQs on repairing your beloved German baby.

Tapas > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 01:11

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E39 M5? I approve!

I must point this out though - the E46 M3 and the E39 M5 have different driving characteristics. If you are looking for more BMWs like the E46 M3, the Z4M is a good option. 

I haven’t driven the M3, but I can guess it’s more light and nimble. Whereas the M5 is a fat cat that can dance, given the right motivation (throttle).

DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! > Tapas 01/08/2019 at 01:15

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How has the M5 been for you? If I’m not mistaken you’re friends with G-Body Man who referenced a friend who had one that has treated him well.

AddictedToM3s - Drives a GC > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 01:17

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I say just do it.

I had a similar path as you when looking for a car after the BRZ. So I hope you can see my errors. I went: f80 M3 > 997 911 > GTI > STI > Golf R > S3 > S5 Sportback > f 10 M5 > f 80 M3 > e39 M5 > f 80 M3 > e 90 M3 > f 10 535i > f36 428i.

I ended up buying the f36 428i with a ZF 8-speed. It’s a lovely car and I like it a lot. But I now wish I had just pulled the trigger on the f80 M3 with a manual. Lesson learned after compromising two times. Just get the car you want.

JoshROOSTER > AddictedToM3s - Drives a GC 01/08/2019 at 01:26

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It’ll always cost more to compromise. I learned that the hard way moving from my mustang to the golf r.

AddictedToM3s - Drives a GC > JoshROOSTER 01/08/2019 at 01:31

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I agree fully. I thought getting a BRZ would be more sensible (repair-cost wise) than an e46 M3. I then tried to justify the FA20 engine was better than the STI’s old engine. So I got the BRZ. I was not a fan of the lack of torque.

I then thought a 5-series was more sensible for an adult car and would be more comfortable . I even thought an automatic would be better for me in traffic. Then I got the 4-series GC since it drove nicely and had a more torque and power. That would certainly quench my itch, right? Nope.

So if we do the math, I could have bought a CLEAN CPO  f80 M3 with executive package for only a tiny bit more t han the two cars to date.

Spasoje > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 01:59

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You’re already in a better position than a friend of mine.

He saw E39s (any E39) in the same light, and he bought one (a 530i) at the first opportunity. But unlike you, he did precisely zero research. He didn’t even test drive it. In the end, he spen t w a y m o r e t h an the price of the car on maintenance, and sold it feeling bitter (but still t u r n s h i s h e a d w h e n o n e p a s s e s b y ).

The point of my rather depressing story is that were you to jump into it, you’d clearly know what you’re in for, which would very likely make your E39 experience worlds better than his.

Life is way too short for boring cars. Go for it! The enjoyment you’d get would likely be worth the eventual work it’ll need.

P l u s, it’ s n o t l i k e these cars a r e really depreciat i n g r i g h t n o w , s o . . .

gettingoldercarguy > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 03:39

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Great read! After all we’re just another brick in the wall.  If you're looking at reasonable cars with any of those, you're still lying to yourself.  They're all fantastic and horrible, just be fiscally realistic and prepared.

Long_Voyager, Now With More Caravanny Goodness > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 06:58

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Wrong M:

Captain of the Enterprise > The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock 01/08/2019 at 07:14

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This is how I ended up in a Corolla and then a Camry 

ihm96 > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 07:26

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E34 is where it’s at. The classic 80s peak styling, with airbags and all the modern comforts but still way more reliable and cheaper to maintain than an E39. Plus they’re the last of the pure bmws with no clutch delay valve bs or drive by wire shit they started putting into the e39 and e46

random001 > Textured Soy Protein 01/08/2019 at 07:57

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I don’t know what that is, but I like the way the rear end looks from this angle.

MM54 > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 08:04

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A friend of mine dailied an e39 M5 (100% stock) for about 3 years. It is an excellent car but it is also expensive to maintain. He got his with about 65k miles on it and put about 60k on it in that time. You will need a new set of tires every season thanks to the asinine factory alignment they put on them (if you run soft tires; if not you’ll not be able to put the power down). Parts have a definite M-tax.

The power is very good (I drove it many times). The sound is hard to beat and it is super comfortable. On an autocross course it’s downright violent and definitely out of its element. A lot of fun though. If you want something to toss around and autocross (competitively) , probably skip it. If you want to be able to do 150mph in comfort and pass anyone from any speed , go for it. Just buy stock in tire and gas companies first .

Tapas > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 08:13

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My M5 has treated me really well.

And yes, I was really luck to come across this example from an advert with only one dimly lit picture on Kijiji and very few details. I rang the guy and he sounded like an interested seller. I had no car at the time, so I rented one just to check it out. I thought even if I was lured into something shady because of a a LeMans Blue on Caramel M5, it might be worth being robbed/shot? G Body Man helped me check the car out and gave me the confidence to pull the trigger. And I’m glad I did it. The car has been amazing!

My commute has been anywhere from 20 to 30 miles one way and I’ve put some 5k miles in the last 6 months. (Its garaged for the winter). It drives like a regular commuter car if you short shift - of course, with an epic exhaust. Cruising at 70 mph, the engine settles at 2,800 rpm in 6th gear. I’ve used it to move 3 times (like literally relocate) and been on trips with the car full of people.

But it really comes alive above 3,000 rpm. Driving it in 3rd/4th all day is a genuine joy. 3rd gear alone lasts me from 30 mph to 60/70 mph, with about 1000 rpm to spare before you hit the 6500 rpm redline. It is incredibly smooth and predictable in turn ins and quick switch backs (but you do feel the weight of the car). The steering gains weight as you turn and there’s a lot of feedback through the steering and suspension.

The first time I drove it, I gave it the beans. I know I was driving spiritedly in 4th and 5th gears with the needle at 85 along regular roads (not highway). I had to be reminded that since the car I bought was American, the speedo is at 85 mph, not 85 kmph.

That’s what I like about this car. It can be anything you want, from an obnoxiously loud and fast beast to a grand tourer.

Dru > random001 01/08/2019 at 09:14

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Sounds like something I’d say before last call at the bar. 

Dru > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 09:19

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Just a thought, have you considered a e46 ZHP sedan ? My unicorn is the e39 M5 but knowing I needed something to daily without bankrupting me, the ZHP was a decent compromise. Parts are (generally) not too expensive, no M tax. Power is good so its fun at legal speeds , handling is solid, steering is perfect. It is fairly small car, though. The M5 is going to definitely be a more special car, but the ZHP, dare I say, might be more livable. 

Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 09:39

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Or you could get a WK Grand Cherokee.

They’re, uh, not exactly the cheapest. But at least the maintenance intervals are more than 12 months! And they are dead fucking reliable . They put the senior mechanic on mine so he could show the apprentice how to do the transfer case fluid. Came to the same conclusion I did: with the correct oil, at 156k, the motor and trans are just like new.

Then again, you want something fun. So fuck it. Get a 997.2 GTS.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 09:39

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I like where this is going. How do E39 M5 prices compare with E90 M3 prices right now? Are you expecting to pay a little more than $15k for a decent one?

DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 01/08/2019 at 10:22

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Well, I’m certainly not spending $70k for one...[glares at EAG]

But I will save my money and spend whatever I need to to get the best one that I can get.

DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! > Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks 01/08/2019 at 10:23

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I have given the WK2 more than a passing glance. Perhaps I should find a used SRT.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 10:44

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Haha! I’ll give it to them - they know that there are enough crazy collectors out there that they’ll be able to sell some at the insane prices they ask.

Reason I ask is, it seems as though E39 M5 prices are starting to go up a bit as E90 M3 prices continue to drop/flatten . I’m guessing you could get a well-kept but worn, 100k example of either for about the same price. If that proves to be the case, it’s worth a drive in both to see which you prefer.

Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 10:55

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Eh, the SRT8 just doesn’t... it doesn’t do anything for me. Oh boy, the 6.1, which really doesn’t have any headroom without breaking the law or breaking the engine.

But the 5.7 WK , unf. You can build that thing to make power for DAYS without having to strap a supercharger on it or take a sawzall to the engine bay or anything drastic body-wise. All of the SRT8 suspension components are direct bolt-on. (I’m switching to the SRT8 sways. Requires sways and bushings and that’s it. )

Plus the body and interior interchange on these is basically insane. You can put any set of WK/WK2 seats in a WK. I’m actually debating a complete ‘12 SRT8 interior set, but retrofitting it with the rear heated seats... enh. (You can go all the way to MY14+ mechanically but I’d have to figure out the electrical for the SCU. )

However, WK2 is a hard pass in all circumstances. Seriously. DO NOT BUY IT. It will make the worst BMW look like a goddamn AMC 4.0 in terms of reliability. ANYTHING with the FCA TIPM (Totally Integrated Power Module) is RUN THE FUCK AWAY. It WILL break, it WILL break multiple times, and there is NO WAY TO FIX IT.

I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 12:39

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I really like the looks of the E36 M3. The whacky rockers are cool, IMO. And the interior isn’t that bad I don’t think...

Textured Soy Protein > random001 01/08/2019 at 15:41

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OG 2003-4 Infiniti M45

random001 > Textured Soy Protein 01/08/2019 at 18:46

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Thanks!!

Carbon Fiber Sasquatch > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/08/2019 at 20:44

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If the E46 M3 is T he Wall then the E30 M3 is Dark Side of the Moon. The E39 M5 is more like T he Game by Queen less famous  but still well known which makes the E28 M5 A Night at the a Opera and what were we talking about again?